My letter to the Swimmers...

I work at a hotel and we are the closest hotel to the YMCA State swim meet. The swimmers are usually fine, but the families are infamous for getting drunk and being problematic. This year I wrote a letter and gave it to all the families checking in. I wrote an official hi- this- is- your- first- and- only- warning letter, then I wrote this one, what we all were thinking.

Dear Swimmers and Swim families,

Thank you for staying at the Holiday Inn Express in Sycamore. We’re glad to have you.

We know this is an intense weekend where emotions run high, the fate of a child and college scholarships are at stake. Here are some rules so we can all survive each other:

Ladies and gentlemen, we do not care if you have the next Michael Phelps. If they cannot legally vote, buy cigarettes, register for the draft, or get a tattoo without your permission, they cannot swim alone in our pool. We do not care if they have the fastest swim time in the state. 1) This is a YMCA meet 2) gravity does not care and acts a lot faster than your kid and 3) cramps happen and suddenly your 6’4 child cannot touch the bottom of the pool or find their head above water. We do not care if they are shortlisted for the 2012 Olympics. We do not care that we have a miniscule pool compared to the ones they compete in. Not 18? Not swimming alone.

Sidenote: If you’re here for a swim competition, why would you go swimming for fun? Save the strength, kids.

Parents or non-competitors living vicariously through their children:

Alcohol is allowed in the rooms and only the rooms. We would think you’d want to be a better role model than to get trashed at your child’s state swim meet but…If excessive alcohol makes it into your system, do not expel it on our freshly recarpeted hallways. Please contain your vomit to an easier- to- clean location (i.e. the flushable toilet (or it was flushing before you, in your drunken stupor, decided to flush down your phone)). Please leave your double digit tip in your room for the housekeeper. Don’t like the smell of stale vomit? Funny thing! No one does, including the person who has to clean your room.

If for some reason you have meandered from your room soused and find you are no longer able to walk, please crawl (hopefully mortifying your child) back to your room, giving the front desk no hassle and keeping all bodily fluids in your body.

If you do not have a room here, why are you here, free loader?

Yes, smoking in public is illegal in the state of Illinois. Hotel rooms are not considered public, therefore, we are allowed to have some smoking rooms. We have done our best to clean and air out these rooms. If you booked a smoking room a year in advance and are just now contacting us to see if there is any non-smoking available, sucks to be you.

The word “smoking” is attached to the room because people who smoke reserve that room to smoke; not because it is one hot looking room, not because we are ignorant of the smoking ban, and not because we have made it a non-smoking room and have forgotten to rename it non- smoking. If it says “smoking,” the room has housed smokers with lit cigarettes. This is also why there are ashtrays in the rooms. Please do not call the front desk inquiring why there is an ashtray in a smoking room. We prefer ashes in the tray to the sink or the tub.

We understand you have athletes. They can suck it up and sleep in a smoking room for a night. Look at this as an opportunity to work on their breathe control. Think of how Zen they will be the next day! No not “wiped out,” Zen!

If they do less than spectacular this weekend, you have what is called an “excuse.” Well, we were in a smoking room last night. That’s why he was off a fraction of a millisecond. We do not recommend using excuses as a crutch because they do become addicting. Detox and rehab from excuses is very difficult. Not many people make it out.

Or since you have future the Michael Phelps and you have a smoking room, do not be shy . Here is where an excuse can work to your advantage. Well, it said smoking…

In conclusion, if anyone has any connections to the U.S. Mens Olympic swim team (women’s? Awesome! Good for you, but I don’t care. I don’t date women, they don’t wear Speedos or look good in them (well, to me)), U.S. Men’s Diving team (or the scrappy Canadian diver), or the U.S. Men’s Water Polo team, please leave contact information at the front desk for Cora, who has been very kind and empathetic when making reservations and answering your phone calls.

Thank you! Good luck this weekend!

Sincerely,

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